Hi Mama,
There’s this saying I’ve often heard – “The years are short and the days are long” – and trust me, it couldn’t ring more true when it comes to raising twins!
To kickstart our discussion, let’s look at some statistics to put things into perspective. In New Zealand, twins account for about 2% of all pregnancies. Interestingly, among these twin pregnancies, 75% are fraternal twins, and 25% are identical.
For those unfamiliar with these terms, let me explain:
Fraternal twins occur when the mother releases two eggs around the same time, and each gets fertilized by a different sperm.
These twins, also known as dichorionic twins, share about half of their genes, just like any regular siblings.
On the other hand, identical twins result from a single fertilized egg that splits into two.
These twins, or monochorionic twins, share about 90% of their genes, making them look incredibly similar.
The terms ‘dichorionic’ and ‘monochorionic’ are related to how the amniotic membranes are set up in the womb, something that’s typically diagnosed by ultrasound.
Now that we’ve got the basics out of the way, I’d love to share my personal journey and insights about parenting identical twins.
From the challenges of twin pregnancy to identity formation and everything in between, we’ve got lots to explore. So let’s get started!
My journey with twins kicked off with the pregnancy itself. Now, I haven’t experienced a pregnancy with just one baby. Still, based on my discussions with friends who have, I can tell you carrying twins is a different ballgame altogether.
It’s hard and exhausting. Imagine carrying two babies at once – your energy levels are bound to dip significantly more often!
Medically, a twin pregnancy poses a higher risk for complications during pregnancy and birth. So, right from the start, you’re considered high-risk and need more medical support or intervention. And then there’s the probability of preterm birth.
My identical twins were born at 36 weeks and three days. My obstetrician team induced me early to avoid the higher risks of complications associated with identical twins carried to full term.
While technically not “premature,” they were born four weeks earlier than a typical singleton pregnancy. This early arrival brought its own set of complications.
Breastfeeding became challenging as the girls were not fully developed in their ability to suck. Dealing with their lower birth weight, ensuring proper nourishment, and juggling feeding two babies simultaneously, especially when you only have two hands, was definitely a trial!
I count my blessings when I remember the early days after my twins were born. I was incredibly fortunate to have my husband take a few weeks off from work, and my parents flew in from Indonesia to lend their support.
Having extra hands around was immensely beneficial, especially when it came to bottle-feeding, supplementing with formula, and those frequent diaper changes.
My second tip for parents of twins, or even all parents out there, is to unhesitatingly ask for help. When someone offers assistance, accept it graciously.
Trust me, parenting is intense, especially with multiples, and you’ll appreciate having that village – that hands-on support. Parenting was never meant to be a solo task!
As my girls evolved into toddlers, new challenges emerged. Every developmental stage was experienced together, whether breastfeeding, introducing solid foods, or even potty training.
Yes, you heard it right, potty training twins together – which I’m still uncertain whether it was a good idea or not!
Picture this: two separate potties, two children exploring the exciting transition away from diapers. Let’s just say it was probably not my finest decision. There were a lot of clean-ups, spills, and messes.
However, we got through it, and in hindsight, these intense moments seemed to have passed in a blink, and before we knew it, we were on to the next phase.
When you’re a mom of twins, it’s like carrying a billboard saying, “Let’s chat.” There’s a sort of magnetism that twins attract. I’d be out on my usual maternity leave stroll, and invariably, a friendly face would pop up exclaiming, “Wow, you have twins?”
It might seem intrusive to many, but for me, it was a breath of fresh air. It was as though my twins were creating a community around us, and I reveled in that.
Everywhere I went, people noticed us, and I felt a sense of recognition of being part of a community. Those light-hearted conversations were a delightful distraction in those early days when everything was new and sometimes overwhelming.
Plus, I found that people were more willing to offer help, and trust me, I was in no position to refuse. So, this sense of community was an unexpected yet welcome experience.
Another amazing aspect of being a mom to twins is the privilege of witnessing an incredibly strong bond. From the moment they shared space in my womb, Aria and Lexie have been inseparable.
I’ve watched their relationship flourish over the years, and it’s a sight to behold.
Sure, they’re typical siblings who bicker over the smallest things, but there’s also an underlying deep affection that’s hard to miss.
They’re each other’s best friends and fiercest competitors rolled into one. This intense bond, exclusive to twins, is genuinely heartwarming to observe.
As a mother, you strive to ensure that your children build strong bonds with each other, more so when they’re twins. But one surprising element I’ve found helpful in encouraging their bond might seem paradoxical: spending time apart.
Sibling rivalry is a given when you have twins or even just siblings close in age.
However, I’ve noticed that having some ‘alone’ time can work wonders in strengthening their bond. Aria and Lexie spend most of their day together – they go to daycare together and share friends, teachers, and even their bedroom.
While this constant togetherness is great, it’s equally important for them to have experiences independent of each other. Every weekend, we make it a point to have one-on-one time with each of our girls.
They spend a few hours apart, engaged in individual activities with either my husband or me. And the result?
They return even more excited to see each other, eager to share their experiences, and ready to engage in harmonious play.
This time apart, in my opinion, is a breather for them – a space for them to be their own persons. Not only does it foster their individuality, but it also enhances the quality of their relationship.
They miss each other and appreciate their twin time more after these brief breaks.
So yes, while raising twins can be twice the challenge, it’s also twice the fun, twice the bond, and twice the love.
As a psychologist, I’m often asked about the unique challenges of raising twins and how it affect their identity formation.
This is particularly significant if you have identical twins like my girls, Aria and Lexie, as it becomes more challenging for the world to see them as separate individuals.
Initially, as babies, they were unaware of the world’s tendency to view them as one entity.
However, as they’ve grown older and become more aware, they’ve begun to express their discomfort with being mistaken for each other or grouped together.
The concept of individuality is gradually taking shape in their minds, and they’re starting to question their identities independently.
To address this, we make a conscious effort to foster their unique interests and create one-on-one time with each of them.
It’s not always easy, as they often enjoy doing the same things, but we continually encourage them to pursue their interests independently.
For instance, if Aria expresses a desire to do something, and Lexie follows suit, we gently ask Lexie if she genuinely wants to participate or if she’s doing it because Aria is involved.
The journey of identity formation can indeed become trickier as they grow older and become more aware of how people perceive them.
I’ve spoken to adult twins who share that their biggest challenge in life has been asserting their individuality as separate from their twin siblings.
Some have made conscious choices to create physical distances, like moving to different cities or attending different schools, to establish their independent identities.
I hope you’ve found my personal insights helpful. I’ve just scratched the surface here.
For more in-depth discussions and additional advice from experts, tune into our podcast, “Parenting Twins: Joys, Challenges, and Insights“. We delve deeper into the unique experiences and challenges of raising twins and offer practical tips and solutions. Be it bedtime routines, mealtime madness, or the identity crises of twins – we’ve got it all covered!
So grab a cup of your favorite drink, put on your headphones, and join us on this twin-tastic journey. You’re not alone, and together, we’ve got this!
Before we wrap up, I’d like to emphasize an essential tip for parents of twins or multiples: ask for help and invest in self-care. It’s completely normal and understandable to feel overwhelmed, given the extra demands you’re handling.
The journey of raising multiples can be intense, draining, and can quickly lead to stress burnout. Therefore, taking care of yourself becomes doubly important.
Remember, you can only pour from a full cup, and taking time for yourself ensures that you’re mentally and physically prepared for the extraordinary adventure of raising twins or multiples.
Keep pouring love, patience, and individual attention into your little ones, and carve out some ‘me-time’ for yourself.
Thankfully, for those lacking support, there is a dedicated service in New Zealand for parents of multiples. Multiples NZ, a wonderful, nationwide, parent-led support network that guides families in their journey from expecting to parenting multiples.
The organisation, run entirely by volunteers, addresses the varied needs of these families through networking, education, and advocacy.
They work closely with local Multiples Clubs, community groups, healthcare providers, and educators to ensure all-round support for their members.
Moreover, the New Zealand government offers financial aid to families with multiples through three agencies: Work and Income, Inland Revenue, and the Ministry of Education.
They provide aid for home help payments, tax credits, help with childcare costs, and additional financial support such as Accommodation Supplements, Temporary Additional Support, Special Needs Grants, and Transition to Work Grants.
So, remember to reach out and tap into these resources and other organizations. It’s not just about surviving the journey of raising multiples but truly thriving in it.
That’s all for now. Keep being amazing parents, and remember, you’ve got this!
All rights reserved @ empowermums | 2022
Empowering Mums to Thrive in Motherhood
All rights reserved @empowermums | 2022
